Monday, August 24, 2009

A Beginning.



















Ah, here at last!

This place looks as good as any to lay down for awhile. It's been a difficult road, fraught with danger and devilry, and I yearn for respite from the constant clattering.

Should you choose to read on, you may not like what you discover. The writer takes no responsibility for any psychotic episodes you may or will experience. Nor will we ("me" in royalese) be held responsible for occurrences of Bleedy Eye Syndrome - B.E.S. for all you medical professionals out there..

The individual imaginary (but totally possibly possible!) afflictions that I have anticipated which may or may not (but probably will) result from reading or even being in the same room as someone who is reading words such as those contained within the as-yet unwritten volumes to which I am referring, is a lengthy, and if we are going to be completely honest, abjectly horrifying list, one that could in theory cause the cotton-topped populations of entire rest homes to collectively poop in fearful unison were its contents ever to leak onto the "grey" news blogs. I think it best if we all just agree to accept that some sort of damage will inevitably be bestowed upon the unwary who foolishly choose to meander about in the yowling, ghost-filled chambers of my potential thoughts.

In fact, it's probably even better if you stop reading here, and never return!

However, knowing already that you are foolhardy and overly inquisitive, in that I am a genius of an order that even I cannot fully comprehend and thus am able to read you like a BOOK just from the energy you have outputted simply by visiting this blog, I accept your eventual sacrifice as a testament to the great gods who run the simulation known as LIFE(tm) 3.0.. The stable version is 2.8, but if you're not testing the beta, you won't appreciate the better graphics and totally AWESOME subatomic physics! Like a squid wouldn't. You don't want to be the only squid in your peer group now, do you?

Right, so we have the rules down.. Obey me at all times, all your base are belong to us, hand over the keys to your beer fridge and your wife's chastity belt, stop looking funny like that, pull up your pants if you have them, and for the love of Loopis (all quiver and bless her furry soul), try to chew your gum with a little more decorum..

You've now passed the hard part with flying colors. Congratulations! All that's left to do is ensure you are fully stocked up on canned goods and woman's day magazines, set up camp in front of your computer, and await feverishly my next revolting yet revealing pearls of wisdom and wonder.

Good luck!

That's not going to help you, but I feel better for saying it.